The shimmer

for as long as I can remember
i have been frightened by the idea,
of who i would be,
if i let myself be,
all that i could be.
would i lose myself in the glory?
would i find myself in it?

Lately,
i’ve been a little rebellious,
a bit of a risk-taker, if you must,
a little more caring,
a little more fun,
a little more of everything,
a little more, of me.

I am not, who I used to be.

‘what is it that i am so afraid of?’
i ask the reflection staring back at me through the ghost of an empty mirror,
at 4 am,
on a rather cold winter morning,
and that’s where,
i saw her.
the silhouette of a figure who would never enounce,
the perfect poster child.

she reaches out to me,
hands slowly breaking through
the shimmer that separates us,
running her pale, bony fingers through my hair,
down to the side of my right cheek,
hands now wrapped around my neck,
she pulls me in, up close.

I can see the weight she carries, around two brown, defunct eyes,
feel the veins underneath thin cold skin,
the crevices on her face hold stories,
a roadmap that marks the pain,
the only voice I could hear,
was that of a slow beating heavy heart.

she reaches into me,
and a cold burning sensation dawdles
through every inch of my body,
as her shattered dreams,
poured like screams.
i could taste it anew, the past,

it had left nothing but,
the bitterness in my heart.

~V

~to the monster in the mirror that i can’t seem to let go of.

song: Self- Khalid