October

I’ve been holed up in my room for almost a week now,
it smells of cheap perfume and regret.
I lay on the cold floor,
staring straight up at the ceiling,
I can’t seem to find the light,
I feel nothing.

your teal blue shirt still lives in my closet,
the one filled with emptiness,
it smells like you,
like cigarettes and ashtrays.

my friends keep telling me
that you’re doing okay,
because you never cared to begin with,
but you did,
I know you did.

it was the tenth of the month,
we lay under the velvety somber October sky,
I could see it in your doting eyes,
and when our hands intertwined,
it felt as if
the stars had set fire to my body.
no, maybe it was just me.

and what about that time,
when you held me in your embrace
as I cried against your chest,
for I was tired of grieving the loss of my heart,
and you held my head up
as I gasped for air,
our foreheads touched
and you said “I’m right here”.
no but,maybe they were right,
maybe,
it was,
just me.

it’s been hard lately,
the memory of you still haunts the corners of the vacant streets to my heart,
so I read the letters you wrote me,
you described harmony,
and in the last one,
you told me that one day,
everything will be okay
but will it,
be okay?
will it really?

why is it,
that even now when I’ve convinced myself u never really cared,
I still,
find it especially hard to let you go?

~V

~to the one I keep holding onto

song: I love you – Billie Eillish